"Yesterday, Tuesday the 24 of June, I came out to my parents. I wrote my mom a 5 and a half page letter explaining everything. I said why I felt the way I felt, the name and pronouns I’d like her to use, ect. I left the letter on the table where she would see it, and then left with my sister, Rashia, and one of my best friends, Dietrich. I wanted her to cool off after reading it, because I wasn’t really sure what her reaction would be. And most of all, I was scared.
That night when I got home, we talked about the letter. The first thing my stepfather said to me was “Alastair? Thats really the best name you could come up with?” He then asked me that, since I was a boy, did that mean I liked girls. I told them both I’m asexual, which wasn’t real news, and that I’ve never been sexually, or even romantically, attracted to anyone.
My mother has forbade me from ever seeing my friend Die again. She said if I have any contact with him whatsoever, I’m being kicked out. She won’t even tell me the reason why.
My mom then almost completely hurdled over the trans issue, to yell at me and my sister both about how we’re irresponsible adults. For the record, I am 5 days out of graduating high school. I am 18 years old. She expects me to have a job immediately, to pay for my car insurance, gas, cellphone bill, my cat, and rent (which, for now, she’s dropping). I told her that was fine. I know I’m going to struggle, but I’m going to try.
My sister and I left for Dietrich’s last night. I woke up with a text telling me to get home and clean my room before so and so time, or everything that touched the ground was going to be torched. So I went home and cleaned my room.
My sister and I decided to sit our parents down and talk with them again. I told my mom that I’m scheduled to go to my clinic and pick up my testosterone in august (august 20th to be exact). My mom is strictly against testosterone. She’s convinced it will kill me. She said she wants to find a therapist or a physicist for me for my anxiety issues (which I’ve been struggling with all my life and she’s managed to be completely blind of until I told her yesterday) and for my gender issues. I really don’t want to do this. My mom and stepfather told me that If I start taking testosterone while I’m still under my parent’s roof, I will be kicked out. And that’s it. They don’t want me on T, period.
My stepfather believes I have to “experience life first” before taking testosterone. What he means by that is, I have to fuck both men and women, and then I’ll know what gender I actually am. Again, I’m asexual. I’ve never had sex. I never want to have sex. And I doubt I will ever be in any kind of romantic relationship with anyone, ever. The fact he thinks having sex may “sway” me is infuriating. He also doesn’t think I would make a good guy (even though I already am a guy). He think I’m too wimpy. And then doubtfully asked me if I could even please a woman. His definition of a male is, and I quote, “To be a man you have to have a penis”.
I really don’t know what to do. If I’m kicked out, I have nowhere to go. Chances are, I am getting kicked out. Because I’ve been waiting for YEARS to start testosterone, and if I have to wait any longer, I don’t think I am going to make it. I’ve been struggling so much these past few years, these last few months especially.
If worse comes to worse, my great friend in Texas is welcoming both my sister and I with open arms. My only issue with that is, I want to stay in NJ, my home state, mostly because I’m basically getting free college here. I want to go to college, and I don’t want to pass this opportunity up, because secondary education is just so outrageously expensive without tuition coverage. I’ll only be covered if I attend an NJ college.
Again, I don’t know why I’m writing this. I’m not asking for anyone’s money. I feel like this is all my fault and I deserve to be miserable.”